On a recent car trip, my kids were discussing with each other – I was merely the taxi cab driver – all the things for which I was to blame. Dash had scraped his knee earlier that day. It was my fault for sending him to soccer practice when he was tired. Tallulah had dropped her rare Japanese eraser on the floor of the car. It was my fault for allowing her to bring the precious object in the car to begin with.
Then, like a light bulb that has just not been turned on these many years, the dust accumulating day by day, the screw slowly turned in the socket…’cos mom also does nothing fast enough these days…and the brilliance of the light bedazzled.
It was time to introduce my children to the time honored tradition of Mommy Language and The Rules.
No doubt, many of you have had the rules memorized and implemented from the moment your children took their first breath. But for those of us, with post-traumatic, OMG – an eight lb living barbarian just barreled out of me, the Alzheimer’s kicks in for a few years.
So here are the few Mommy Language Rules as I remember them so far:
1. Mom is ALWAYS right (even when she is wrong).
2. Mom is NEVER to blame for anything. In fact, the words “Mommy, it’s your fault that…” do not exist in Mommy language. Those words are understood to mean “Mommy, I love you and you are the greatest mom in the world.” So when you get a great big hug and kiss, after a good griping, please recognize that you just told your mama that you love her.
3. The Complaints Department is open from 9:00 am to 9:00 pm if your child is in full time school. Otherwise, it is only open from 1:00 – 2:00 am. We are wise and recognize that it is difficult to complain when you are sleeping and looking angelic. After-hours complaints can be put into the Suggestion Box, generally named Dad.
That’s it for now. My kids were fairly gob-smacked by the Rules, for approximately five whole minutes, before picking apart the concept by the seams, looking for loopholes, and generally telling me how terrible all my ideas were.
I do love ’em.